


Separation Anxiety

by intrvrtd



Series: Whatever Is Left Of Me, I Give To You [3]
Category: Mass Effect, Mass Effect - All Media Types, Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Breaking Up & Making Up, F/M, Forgiveness, Love, Relationship Issues, Romance, Self-Doubt, Self-Esteem Issues, Starting Over, Trust Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-16
Updated: 2021-03-16
Packaged: 2021-03-25 05:42:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,741
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30084366
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/intrvrtd/pseuds/intrvrtd
Summary: Shepard tells Jack about his plan to turn himself in to the Alliance, needless to say she hates his planStory takes place after the events of Mass Effect 2 but before Mass Effect 3
Relationships: Jack | Subject Zero/Male Shepard
Series: Whatever Is Left Of Me, I Give To You [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2182776
Kudos: 4





	Separation Anxiety

**2 HOURS AGO NORMANDY SR-2**

“The fuck you mean you’re turning yourself in!?!?!” Jack barked at him while getting out of bed and putting her clothes back on

“I don’t have a choice the Reapers are coming and I need the backing of the Alliance and Council if we even stand a chance against them” Shepard stated and simply stared out of the window above his bed, the window he despised since every time he looked out of it he was haunted by his memories of being spaced.

“YOU DON’T HAVE TO DO SHIT, WHY ARE YOU SO HELL BENT ON SAVING PEOPLE WHO SEEM TO HAVE NO INTEREST IN SAVING THEMSELVES, I MEAN AFTER HOW BADLY THEY SCREWED YOU OVER YOU’RE JUST GOING TO GO CRAWLING BACK TO THEM, ITS PRETTY PATHETIC SHEPARD EVEN FOR YOU!” she screamed at him.

“I can’t just ignore it, shit that’s what the Council has spent the last two years doing pretending the Reaper threat isn’t real, if I just sit here on my ass I’m no different than them” he got up and was now standing inches away from her.

“Bullshit if the Reapers are even half as bad as you say we are all screwed anyway” she momentarily paused “listen I know you didn’t really like the idea of taking this ship and going pirate, I get it you’re not that kind of guy but we could still take this ship, hell most the crew would follow you, we could go straight, be mercenaries or something I don’t know, it doesn’t sound that bad does it? We’d be together plenty of people to kill, plenty of creds, and again **we’d be together** for however long we have till the Reapers come whether is a few months or a few years we could just enjoy whatever time we have” her yelling stopped and to Shepard’s surprise Jack nearly sounded like she was pleading with him.

“You might be right, it could be hopeless anyway but at this point you know me well enough Jack, you know I have to try and stop them, even though I have to admit going off and playing mercenary with you does sound pretty damn tempting but running from something like this just isn’t who I am” Shepard placed both his hands on her shoulders and finally noticed the growing hurt and anger in her eyes.

“You promised” she said quietly

“What?” he foolishly replied

“YOU PROMISED YOU WOULDN’T LEAVE ME, YOU’RE JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE!” she screamed and shoved him away

“I’m not leaving you Jack” he got up and moved closer to her again

“Really? It sure as fuck seems like leaving to me, they’re gonna lock you up John, hell they might even give you to the batarians who will painfully and publicly execute you” she snarled

“They won’t” he said not making eye contact with her

“Yeah, you know something I don’t?” she asked

“I worked out a deal with Admiral Hackett and Councilor Anderson, there won’t be a trial and they won’t give me to the batarians, off the record the Alliance and the Council support what I did, I’ll pretty much be on house arrest at Alliance HQ until the Reapers come” he said dejectedly.

“Seems like you got it all figured out boy scout, listen just because it’s your life-long dream to be the Alliance hero doesn’t mean it’s mine, hell I have no place in that world, what the fuck am I supposed to do, go to Omega and work for Aria or some shit? Go back to killing, drugs, and booze and act like this last year of my life didn’t happen? I can’t and I won’t go back to that life, tell me John what am I supposed to do?” she pulled him in close by his shirt collar and was staring into his eyes with the same predatory glean they had a year ago when they first met on the prison ship.

“You could come with me” he responded softly

“Is that a fucking joke? Now ain’t the time to be cute with me Shepard, even if I wanted to and that’s a big if, I’m wanted in Alliance space I’ll certainly be arrested as soon as we hit Arcturus Station” she said still holding him close by his collar with the blue aura of her biotics beginning to flare as she gets angrier.

“You won’t be arrested Jack” he said and she loosened her grip on his collar and raised an eyebrow “it was part of the deal that I made to turn myself in, you’ll have a clean record in Alliance space and a job” Shepard paused and scanned her face for any visible signs of anger or interest at the offer “not sure if you remember me telling you about the ascension program, it’s a school for the Alliance’s most gifted biotic kids at Grissom Academy, you’d be one of the instructors” he finished.

Jack began to laugh heartily but Shepard noticed the blue aura of her biotics still hadn’t dissipated “a fucking teacher!?!?!” her laughter grew even louder “shit and people say you don’t have a sense of humor Shepard, what makes you think I could or even want to be teacher, or if those snot nosed teenagers would even be willing to listen to someone like me?” she asked.

“Well let’s start with if you could, for me that’s easy I know you could and I think those kids would respond to you, your biotic skills alone are enough to get their attention and be honest with me Jack no bullshit, look me in the eye and tell me that when you were a teenager you wouldn’t have loved to have somebody like you teaching you? I can’t stress this enough Jack I’m not leaving you, I still want you, I still want us, that hasn’t changed and it won’t ever change” he said with sincerity ignoring the growing anger from his girlfriend.

“YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT!” was the last thing Shepard heard when a wave of biotic force sent him flying into the bulkhead of his quarters.

**PRESENT TIME NORMANDY SR-2**

Shepard woke up with his head pounding, as he sat up against the wall his slightly blurry vision began to clear. The first thing he noticed was that Jack was no longer in their quarters, he slowly stood up using the wall to brace himself and felt a lump and dried blood on the back of his head “Goddamnit” he cursed. Looking at his desk he saw his collection of model ships were mostly smashed and he saw the small frame holding his dog tags, a gift from Liara were also smashed but that wasn’t what caught his eye, he noticed the dog tags were missing and next to them was a small note that read

_I took these with me, if you ever pull your head out of your ass and figure out what’s really important to you come and find me, I might kill you or I might not you’ll just have to find out_

After finishing a small inspection of the room he realized only a handful of things were missing and they nearly all belonged to Jack, the only things of his that were gone was his dog tags, his N7 hoodie, and his Alliance issue duffle bag which he was guessing she took to haul her stuff off the ship. Shepard sighed, he messed up and he knew it, she was right, he did promise to never leave her, he wanted to show her that he wasn’t like everybody else he wasn’t using her. _“You’re just like everyone else”_ that particular line may have stung the worst, he looked at his omni-tool and saw the time, two hours had passed and he figured Jack was long gone at this point and following her right now would only make her angrier and push her further away. As he stood in their quarters well now his quarters again now that she was gone, there was an ache in his chest and it felt almost hard to breath, like without her there he had forgotten how. He was certain of one thing he had to get out of that room, since he wasn’t officially on duty at the moment and had nothing else to do he made his way to the bridge.

As usual Joker was sitting in his pilot’s chair “you look like shit commander Jack keep you up all night again?” he said with a grin

“Not exactly” Shepard grumbled, he thought to himself how lucky it was that Joker was so damn good at his job that he was always willing to tolerate his bs, “actually on the topic of Jack have you seen her?” he asked

“Seriously? She left in one the shuttles a little over an hour ago, you approved it” he answered with none of his normal sarcasm “or at least she said you did” he finished

Shepard sighed “shit I’m gonna guess you didn’t approve it commander, I should have questioned her, well I didn’t really want to, can you blame me?” Joker asked

“No, I get it, giving Jack a wide berth is usually a good call” he sighed and rubbed the back of his neck

“She only left about an hour ago should we go after her?” he asked

“No let her go” Shepard said softly and sadly

“Aye Aye commander” Joker answered

Shepard assumed that when he turned away from the pilot and walked back towards the CIC that Joker must have seen the dried blood the back of his head and neck and he was eternally grateful that his pilot refrained from asking him about it.

**KODIAK SHUTTLE EXITING THE OMEGA 2 RELAY**

During FTL the strain of the day was getting to Jack she decided to lay down in an attempt to think about anything but Shepard, to say she was unsuccessful would have been an understatement. For some strange reason her mind drifted to the night after they shutdown Cerberus’ overlord project…

_the mission was typical Cerberus, sick and twisted experimentation but they helped the kid and shut the project down, they decided to share a bottle of whiskey in their cabin to celebrate. After over half the bottle was gone Jack found herself staring at Shepard’s impressive collection of model ships, she had meant to ask him about it but never did, they had known eachother for almost a year at that point and he didn’t seem like to type to build models, but considering what she did in her spare time she knew better than to judge a book by its cover._

_“So John what’s the deal with the model ships it's some pretty dorky shit even for you?” she asked playfully_

_“Ah well you might think it's stupid but being in command and having people always looking to me for orders and answers to all their problems sometimes I just like to sit down, shut my brain off and follow something else’s instructions it’s almost like I'm just simple grunt again being given my orders and expected to follow them without question, it's really relaxing for me, it’s like a mental reset, I know its kind of dumb” he said looking away_

_“No it’s not dumb, it actually makes a lot of sense” she reassured him_

_“So what do you do when we aren’t out there tearing through mercs and monsters?’ he asked_

_“Uhm… well nothing really… same shit that everyone else does I guess” she stammered_

_Shepard picked up on it instantly “Oh no I told you about my model ships come on you can tell me, I promise I won’t laugh” he said placing one of his hands on hers_

_“FINE, ugh listen when I’m alone I like to write” she paused and looked up at him scanning his face for any judgement “I write poetry” she finished_

_“Can you show me one, I’d like to read it?” he asked sincerely_

_“NO! It’s not for you, its not for anybody to see, I just… Fuck can we just drop it” she asked sounding annoyed_

_“Sure but if you ever change your mind I would love to see them” he said as he moved closer to her side of the couch and put his arm around her and she nestled in close to his body “I love you Jack” he said surprising even himself that the words were leaving his mouth, he had never said them to her before and her potential reaction scared him a little_

_“I know” was all she was able to reply with_

She remembered that night vividly, part of her mind was screaming to leave the ship and get as far from him as she possibly could, luckily the other half of her held her in place on the couch, that same part screamed at her to say it back because she did love him, she was sure of it, she just couldn’t get the words to leave her mouth. The next morning after he left to help Liara with some shadow broker nonsense she decided send him one of her poems, it was as close to an “I love you” as she was able to do.

_My soul_

_Burns_

_With a fire of darkness_

_Quenched only in the pain_

_Of loneliness_

_I hold my breath waiting_

_Until spots appear black as the past_

_And fill my lungs with lies of hope_

_I mark myself_

_Black and jagged_

_To cover the scars_

_That make me a monster_

_A warning_

_This is not a place of honor_

_No esteemed dead are buried here_

_She tapped the send button on her omni-tool and paced back and forth underneath engineering waiting for a response from him and finally her omni-tool pinged she received a message that contained four words that sent her soul on fire “that was beautiful Jack”_

She tossed aside the pillow in frustration, laying down was pointless and she wasn’t particularly shocked that this memory was the first to come to her mind. It was the first time Shepard said those words and now she was afraid that shit would haunt her for years to come, at the moment she wanted to tear out the part of her that loved him and toss it out the airlock, she wanted to forget him, she wanted to hate him, but she couldn’t she still loved him. “FUCK” she groaned to herself as she sat in the pilot’s chair, she cared, Shepard caused that, he made her care, it made her weak and it disgusted her.

Jack was furious, she was hurt, she was sad, hell for the first time in months she felt broken again. She knew why he had to go back to the Alliance even if she didn’t want to admit it, she knew she was being selfish but for the first time it seemed like things in her life were going right, for the first time she felt the hate and unending blackness inside her fading away, hell she felt things with Shepard she had never felt before _safe, loved, and she even had a home_ granted this home may have been a Cerberus warship but still it was the closet thing to a home she ever had and now it was gone. As the large space station known as Omega came into view Jack promised herself she was never going to let anyone else in, no one would ever be given the chance to hurt her like this again.

The shuttle docked and Jack strolled through the streets of Omega with confidence, she liked it, it was dangerous and dirty and a small part of her was hoping some random asshole would make a move to just give her and excuse, pulverizing someone might help let out some of the aggression she was feeling. After she made her way past the handsy bouncer standing outside of Afterlife she walked straight to Aria T’Loak’s private booth.

“Well, well, well, usually my men warn me when Shepard and the crew of the Normandy dock on my station” Aria said smugly as Jack sat on the couch across from her

“Shepard ain’t here it’s just me” she shrugged

“I hope you didn’t kill him?” she asked scrutinizing the humans body language looking for any signs of deception

“No, I didn’t kill the boy scout” Jack scoffed

“Good, I would have been disappointed if you did, I’ve taken quite a liking to the commander” Aria declared while biting her lower lip

Jack didn’t respond initially but her teeth were grinding as Aria spoke, she knew that the “queen of omega” preferred females but was known to take an interest in exceptional males, Shepard of course fit that description perfectly. She hated the wave of jealousy that flashed across her that caused her to have fantasies of reducing Aria into a violet stain on the floor, she had to keep her cool, Jack wasn’t afraid of anyone but she was still not stupid enough to piss off Aria.

Aria then asked “so did he kick you off the ship?” she grinned

“No he didn’t kick me off the damn ship, I take it since you’re trying to play twenty-one questions with me you haven’t heard, we wiped out the Collectors, so mission accomplished and now I’m here looking for a job” Jack said looking off to the side

“Well I’m going to assume that you aren’t here for a job as a dancer” Aria smirked

“Piss off” Jack raised her middle finger and flipped her off

“Fine, down to business then, there are always a few deadbeats who owe me protection or gambling money and somebody with your skills would be very useful, I assume you can handle this kind of work?” the asari asked

“Yeah I’m not an idiot, first you try to scare them into paying, if that doesn’t work you rough ‘em up a little but you never kill them because dead men don’t pay” Jack deadpanned

“Good, I own the apartment building down the street, go find yourself a room and come back tomorrow and talk to Grizz he’ll tell you everything you need to do” Aria said already turning her attention away from Jack to a datapad she had just been handed.

Jack went down to the bar and got a couple bottles of vodka from the salarian bartender and made her way to her new apartment. As she walked through the streets the smell of Omega hit her, it was dirty, it was dark and it was full of killers, this was where she belonged and she knew it. Once inside her tiny apartment she downed the first bottle very quickly and her thoughts drifted back to the previous day’s events, back to Shepard and for the second time in as many days she began to cry. She was alone, but in the past being alone spelled safety for Jack, the only person she could ever trust was herself and it worked, but now after being on the Normandy with Shepard she knew how much she lost and how much being alone and drunk in a shitty little apartment on Omega sucked. She got up and searched through the duffle bag she stole from Shepard and the first thing she saw as his N7 hoodie all balled up, she took a big whiff of it and smiled because to her it smelled like home, next she found the datapad with the Alliance offer for her. This could be a fresh start, an actual one for the first time in her miserable life, she remembered that Shepard had told her that if something ever happened to him she could trust Anderson the human councilor, she cursed as her tears were once again ruining her eyeliner she wiped them away and made her way to the door, she had made her decision.

In another life she may have been content being one the many outlaws in Aria’s employ, fighting and killing for creds, Subject Zero would have loved that life but Jacqueline Nought wanted something more, hell if she was being honest with herself she still wanted Shepard too. When she finally reached the docks carrying everything she owned stuffed in a duffle bag she looked at the transit manifests and found what she was looking for, a cargo freighter heading to the Citadel, she spotted the turian captain supervising his crew loading some crates.

“You heading to the Citadel?” Jack asked

“Not really your concern human, and we’re not a passenger ship anyway” he replied while half ignoring her

“Yeah I don’t care your ship is the only one heading to the Citadel so I don’t have a lot of options” she said with the growing annoyance obvious in her voice

“Fine but this isn’t a charity, it’ll be 500 creds…” the captain paused “but if you don’t have that we can work something out” he chuckled and ran his three fingered talons down her arm

“TOUCH ME AGAIN BIRDMAN AND I’LL RIP OFF YOUR MANDIBLES AND SHOVE THEM DOWN YOUR THROAT” she yelled as the blue aura of her biotics flared, the turian backed away and Jack calmed down “I’m short on creds but you can keep my Kodiak shuttle over there” she snarled.

“That shuttle for a ride to the Citadel you got a deal lady” the captain greedily said imagining the profits he’d make selling the shuttle

As Jack walked onto the ship she smirked and thought to herself, “that captain has no idea how lucky he is, how close he came to dying right here on this dock, he’s fortunate I got more important things to do than tearing apart some grabby turian.” Jack smiled, she was on her way to start a new chapter in her life and maybe even finding her way back to Shepard, as impossible as it seemed she felt hopeful for her future.

**81 DAYS LATER ALLIANCE HQ EARTH**

Over three months at Alliance HQ and Shepard was beginning to get a little stir crazy, it didn’t help that the only two people he had been in contact with for the last three months have been Admiral Hackett and James Vega who was essentially his jailor. Last month he heard that Ashley was being sent to Vancouver likely for testimony about Horizon and Shepard’s Cerberus dealings, Monday morning Shepard was allowed visitors he had hoped that even though their last meeting didn’t go so well Ashley might visit him for old times sake but several Mondays came and went without any visitors. His room was rather large, it had a bathroom, a kitchen and a large vid screen with limited and monitored extranet access. It was a comfortable jail cell but a jail cell nonetheless, not to mention the biggest thing on his mind was Jack, he hadn’t seen her or heard from her since the day she stole that shuttle and left the Normandy, he hoped she was out there alive and well, he hoped that she could forgive him, but hope was stupid and childish and Shepard knew that. During his last debriefing session with Hackett there were still no news about the Reapers everything was quiet, there hadn’t been any Reaper related news since the destruction of the Collector base, Shepard knew this was simply the calm before the storm, he knew the shit was going to hit the fan any day now. Even while thinking about something as serious as the impending Reaper invasion his thoughts still drifted back to Jack, he knew if he ever got out of this fucking room he had to find her, he had to try and make it right. His thoughts were interrupted by Vega knocking on his door and entering.

“Hey commander, I got something for you, it’s from Admiral Anderson he said to get this to you a.s.a.p.” Vega said as he was holding a datapad

“James you really gotta stop calling me commander, pretty sure I’m a war criminal now, and if this is another update about how there’s nothing new with the Reapers and how everything in the galaxy seems fine I’m going to throw this damn datapad out the window” Shepard said sounding exhausted.

“No sir, the admiral said this message is of a personal nature so I didn’t look at it, the only thing I can tell you is that it’s from Grissom Academy” Vega stepped forward handing Shepard the pad

That last bit piqued Shepard’s interest, he didn’t know anyone at Grissom…. “Unless, no, she couldn’t have, did she?” he thought to himself as he eagerly snatched the datapad from James

_Subject: Hey Dumbass_

_Kahlee Sanders is a friend of Anderson and she said she could get this message to you, I’ve been at Grissom Academy for a little over two months and let me just say you were right to recommend me for this, I don’t know what their teacher before me was doing but these kids didn’t know shit, they needed me bad. I gotta admit some of these little fuckers are even starting to grow on me, there’s this one her names Rodriguez she is by far the most talented but she’s nervous and fidgety all the time, it kinda reminds me of Tali and then there’s this other one his name is Prangley, all the other kids seem to look up to him even though he’s kind of smug, hell it kind of reminds me of you._

_Shit I guess I need to get to the real point of this message before I lose my nerve and not say it at all. I’m sorry when I said you were just like everyone else, that couldn’t be further from the truth. I understand why you did what you did, you always do the right thing and that used to make me think you were a pussy but now I know better, you do the right thing even when the whole galaxy shits on you for it. Also I hope you meant it when you said that you weren’t leaving me and you never would because I want you to know I regret it everyday that I stormed off the ship, so I guess what I’m saying is I forgive you for leaving and I hope you forgive me for acting like an ass, definitely looking forward to the make-up sex._

_Corporal Jacqueline Nought, Biotic Instructor Grissom Academy_

_PS: Don’t think for one second just because I’m Alliance now that I will ever call you “sir”_

_PPS: I miss you John… and fuck you for making me say that_

For the first time in months Shepard smiled, hell he could feel the blood pumping in his chest again, he felt alive, the last couple months he felt like a husk simply existing day to day at Alliance HQ. Now he knew Jack was out there and she needed him as much as he needed her, Shepard made a silent promise to himself that day, that nothing not even the Reapers themselves would stop him from reuniting with Jack.

**3 DAYS LATER CRONOS STATION HORSEHEAD NEBULA**

**KL:** Sir we intercepted a message from Subject Zero at Grissom Academy to Shepard at Alliance HQ

 **TIM:** I see this is an interesting development, it seems Operative Lawson’s earlier reports about them were correct… their relationship may be quite useful to us in the future

 **KL:** Sir?

 **TIM:** I’m not ready to give up on Shepard as a potential asset to Cerberus and recapturing Subject Zero would be beneficial for us on two fronts, she was one of Cerberus’ most successful projects plus we can capitalize on Shepard’s emotional attachment to Zero

 **KL:** If I may sir I’d like to be the one to attack Grissom, I’d like to test myself against someone like Zero

 **TIM:** Not yet, the time to attack the academy isn’t right, we have to wait for the Alliance to be distracted which will be soon, our scientists estimate the Reapers will arrive in the Sol system in fifty-one days, that’s when we’ll strike, also you won’t be leading the attack at Grissom, General Petrovsky is planning the assault with delta squad, I have a different mission for you

 **KL:** Understood sir

**Author's Note:**

> I probably don't need to say it but just in case KL= Kai Leng and TIM= The Illusive Man
> 
> also any comments are more than welcome, I always enjoy hearing readers thoughts


End file.
